Pirates or Ninjas?
by Random Flapdoodle
Summary: Another of Ryuuzaki's "tests." But does it really have anything to do with Kira this time? One shot. Possible teensy bit of shonen-ai...if you choose to look at it that way.


A/N: This was actually written for a competition on another site. I was so pleased with how it turned out that I decided it might be worth posting here. Constructive criticism is always welcome, so feel free to tell me if you think something's off!

Note: I am not of the opinion that L does not allow Light to sleep. True, he's not the most sympathetic guy in the world, but I don't think that he'd be so extreme as to keep Light up for days at a time. Besides, he's smart enough to realize what that would do to a normal person.

So no, in this fanfic, Light isn't some exhausted zombie. However…

Well, it'd be best if I just got to it.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters in this fic.

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"Pirates or ninjas?"

The question rang through the near-empty investigation room so suddenly that Light jumped. His fingers crushed down on the keyboard, mashing out a gibberish phrase. In fact, Ryuuzaki's voice had so startled him that it took a few moments for Light to recognize the meaning of the actual words. When he finally did, shock and disgust intertwined and ran through him like electricity.

_Is he serious? This is the Kira investigation! Is he _really_ asking me about some stupid Internet meme? _Light thought. He deleted the string of characters that he had inadvertently typed and swiveled his chair to glare at Ryuuzaki. The chain clicked against the plastic base.

Said detective didn't seem to notice, and continued to munch on the bowl of sugar cubes in front of him. He would take one, roll it around between his index finger and thumb (surely creating a sticky paste to cover the pads of his fingers), then pop it into his mouth and suck obnoxiously on it until it melted.

Light's fury doubled for no discernable reason, and he felt heat rushing up to the crest of his neck. He leaned forward and rested his chin on his laced fingers.

"_What_, Ryuuzaki?"

"Pirates," he paused to pop another sugar cube into his mouth, "or ninjas?"

Hearing the improper plural of a word in his native language only served to further infuriate Light. He took a deep breath to calm himself.

"Why do you ask?"

Of course, Ryuuzaki opted to completely ignore Light's question, and instead only offered his own opinion.

"I'd say pirates," he drawled. He stared contemplatively at the bowl of sugar cubes for a moment, then took a handful and shoved them into his mouth all at once. Light only gazed unblinkingly at him, his anger near forgotten.

"Clearly," Ryuuzaki reasoned through a mouthful of sugary goo, "pirates have the more advanced weaponry." He swallowed hard and licked his fingers. "Although, I suppose I couldn't blame someone for choosing ninjas. As far as physical prowess goes, ninjas are far superior to pirates."

Light continued to gape openly at him. His line of questioning was entirely too absurd. What was Ryuuzaki really getting at? Certainly, there was some ulterior motive here. As far as motives were concerned, he had only ever known Ryuuzaki to have one: to prove that he, Light, was the infamous Kira.

Was this…some kind of test?

Light turned his attention away from his own mind and back to Ryuuzaki. The detective was nibbling delicately at a sugar cube as if it were something with a powerful flavor—never mind the fact that only seconds ago, he had smashed at least half a dozen of them into his mouth at once. He would graze his teeth on an edge, and then prod it with his tongue. The gesture was repeated until the cube dissolved into so many granules on his fingers.

Not for the first time, Light seriously questioned both Ryuuzaki's sanity and cleanliness.

That was, until the true purpose of the question became clear.

"Oh, I see. I understand your little game. As always, this is a test to determine whether or not I'm Kira. Pirates are, by trade, criminals. Thieves and scoundrels, right? It wouldn't make sense for Kira to support people like that."

Light got up from his chair, stalked over to Ryuuzaki, and clenched a hand around each of his knees.

"But then again…nin**ja**," Light stressed the last syllable to indicate the proper plural of the word, "are assassins. Would Kira approve? Perhaps that depends on who they were sent to kill!"

His voice had reached a hoarse yowl, and his teeth were bared. He squeezed Ryuuzaki's knees so hard that gobs of denim seeped between his whitening knuckles. Ryuuzaki remained impassive.

"Therefore, you have presented me with a question for which there is no correct answer! If I say 'pirates,' I'm obviously lying because I'm supporting criminals. If I say 'ninja,' I'm condoning murder! Either way, you're just going to spit out some ludicrous percentage at me! So why not save us both the trouble and JUST DO IT ALREADY?"

Save for Light's panting and the ever-present breaths of running computers, the room was silent.

"I see."

"You. See. What?"

"You were correct in assuming that this was a test. And you reacted just the way I had feared." Ryuuzaki sighed, and popped another sugar cube into his mouth.

"What, can you prove I'm Kira now?"

"No. But I believe you are sleep-deprived."

"Sleep-deprived?" Light fought the words, as if Ryuuzaki had just made them up on the spot. "I'm not—"

Before Light could finish, Ryuuzaki slipped a sugar cube between his lips and into his mouth. Light's tongue pushed it around, as his mind tried to comprehend what had just occurred.

"As a direct consequence of your lack of sleep, you have become tense and paranoid," Ryuuzaki continued, as if speaking to someone very stupid. Light was too disoriented by the sudden change in the conversation and his being force-fed sugar to be insulted.

"But…we sleep," Light insisted, in the tone of a man who has just found himself alone in a dark alley, with no memory of how he got there. "W-we slept just last night."

"Correction: _you_ slept. _I_ worked. I feel that perhaps my activities are affecting the quality of your sleep." Ryuuzaki chewed on his thumb, and rolled his eyes towards the ceiling. "Indeed you may rest, but you do not rest well. This could be due to the noise or…"

Light considered this for a moment, and found no flaw in Ryuuzaki's reasoning. He remained silent, granting Ryuuzaki permission to continue.

"When presented with such a strange and off-topic question in an otherwise serious atmosphere, a healthy person would either laugh to relieve stress or become annoyed with the person who would ask such a foolish question. You went far beyond annoyance—you were enraged." Light opened his mouth to protest, but Ryuuzaki silenced him with another sugar cube.

"Please let me finish. Given our situation, some beyond-normal anger is expected, as is a touch of paranoia. However, even considering this, your reaction does not indicate good health."

Ryuuzaki stepped off the chair, gently taking Light's hands into his.

"Therefore, I have come up with an appropriate solution."

Light stared. Ryuuzaki allowed a rare bit of warmth to enter his eyes.

"Now, we will go to bed. Both of us. Although I cannot say that I will sleep, I will refrain from doing anything that might detract from your rest. Does that sound all right?"

Light nodded. Perhaps Ryuuzaki was right. Sleeping did not necessarily beget rest. He had been suffering from an abnormal amount of headaches lately. Come to think of it, he had felt merely all right—not _good_—for days…

"Yes, Ryuuzaki. That sounds great." And he allowed himself to be led to the bedroom.

()()()

Upon arriving that day, the rest of the task force were unable to find either Ryuuzaki or Light. They did find an abandoned cup of tepid coffee and a near-empty bowl of sugar cubes: proof enough that the two of them had at least been in the room recently.

A bit of poking around revealed to them a relaxed-looking (albeit awake) Ryuuzaki curled up in bed with a sleeping Light. The strange sight quieted even Matsuda for a moment. Watari appeared promptly and ushered them out of the room, asserting that the two would be taking the day off.

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A/N: Hope you enjoyed! And remember, constructive criticism is more than welcome!


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